Monday, December 8, 2008 @4:48 PM
Right now, I still admire Rebecca Addlington (after a newspaper article), I'm still backing Diana Vickers (after weekly 4 minute videos), and I still envy Nick and Starr's unbreakable bond.I haven't forgotten that today's grandma's birthday, even though it's been 30 months since she left. No one has yet to know the guilt, regret and longing that simmers within me whenever I think of her, until now.The past month might not be the most amazing experience in my life, but it has been more than fulfilling, enriching, not beautiful, but something I would savour forever. It should have had been a whirlwind, and I'm surprised I didn't find it difficult to adapt to wherever I was. Having stared at different people, I convinced myself of one thing. I'm not even 15, to say that I have a long road ahead of me is an understatement. I have time, years (although they won't wait for me) to do things that I relish, to feel like I've never felt before but to be content at the same time, to be proud of who I am. Will I be able to do it though? Nevertheless, a huge doubt just has to cloud relentlessly over my mind.Honestly, I missed my friends and 初二一班 to an extent that once or twice, they frighteningly appeared in my dreams. The America that I went to, it felt like I barely saw anyone for 6 days. Barren mountains over barren contours. That was how much travelling we did. Until Disneyland, which was overcrowded with people. How ironic!There was this thing I did on the bus... while staring out of the window into the pitch black environment, to try to listen to a complete song and its lyrics, not letting any other thought enter my mind. I never succeeded. Within 10 seconds, the walls around my mind would gradually crumble and allow jumbled, ugly thoughts to hit me. That's how weak my resolve is.To be able to watch the sun rise over the Grand Canyon was, rightfully, a wonder. We missed the sunset, but the Grand Canyon itself is breathtaking. "An immovable object can be majestic in every sense of the word" I wanted to stand there motionless, in the freezing cold that was turning my nose and ears numb, and simply feel blessed for witnessing such a sight. So I tried to imprint that picture in my mind. Not forgetting the bonus. To think I was in the coldest place -minus 6 degrees- I had ever been in my life... while the tour guide stripped like it was nobody's business. And stayed topless too.Stepping into Las Vegas, it didn't reach my all-too-high expectations. Flashy, but not flashy enough. Probably because I'm not 21 and can't totally immerse myself into this place "that never sleeps". Somehow, it's not enough just to be surrounded by heavily decorated jackpot machines and gaming tables in a casino. The luxurious hotels are another matter. Calling them high-class barely touches the truth. There was this hotel, Caesars Palace, that had 150 lavish, branded shops. Imagine the experience... and that's not the best yet.I am who I am, different from who I was a few years back, and different from who I will be in a few years. If there's anything I learnt, it's that you will forever be clinging at straws if you never stop thinking that talent evades you and desire is not enough.I'm willing to bet that you would never ever want to be in my shoes, because your shoes have too many memories that you can't leave behind for anything in the world.
♥ you and i both loved