Wednesday, March 19, 2008 @11:48 PM
This Blow Came Totally Unexpected.As I sit here typing this post, my grandmother is battling for her life at the intensive care unit of the hospital. This isn't another effing crap story that I decided to write for ERP, not like two posts ago where it was about an imaginary sister I had. Spending two hours at the hospital tonight, the pacing, the red eyes shining with tears, enduring through the silence, looking at my grandma attached to so many machines, clinging on for support. Staring forever at the machine, hoping that after staring hard enough at it, the oxygen count would rise and not fluctuate at the effing 40-50 region. Everyone was there. And then complications had to arise. She came and tried to be a b!tch.I hate this. I hate what this freaking world throws at us. Less than 24 hours ago, she was absolutely fine. She was smiling. Why? Why? Why did her heart stop beating suddenly? She's on her third and last dose of maximum medication and treatment now. Apparently now it's up to her to fight. Technology is so advanced now, technology is so advanced now, bullshit. It still can't help my grandma. I know i'm unfair, but why should I care? The effing doctor almost giving up, "let her leave naturally" or whatever.Going into the room twice to look at her, I didn't know what to say. Ever know the feelings of uselessness and helplessness? I could just look at her, praying so hard that she would just get well, holding her hand lightly. Come on grandma. Don't leave. Not now. Not now. Live to see tomorrow.My hands smell of disinfectant and I despise myself for being so negative. Absolutely despise myself. The muttons can't make me laugh now. Tomorrow is community day. Pathlight. I can't help but go there with an empty heart. I hate being fake. I desperately wish not to hear any bad news tomorrow. Please.Now it's thursday. Eve of good friday. Sense of deja-vu. My mum said 2008 was thought to be possibly a horrible year, every part of what horrible means is proven right now.Don't wanna control my tears like just now.
♥ you and i both loved